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Why? (Existential crisis)

I've been caught with my most mortal fear again this morning, existential crisis. Why am I doing anything I am doing? Why am I alive? Why should I get out of bed? - I know the world can go on without me, because everyone is replaceable, then why I should bother? Nothing is essential in front of the cosmos. I'm a speck of dirt in the cosmos and us humans define our own meaning to things, people, circumstances, hence everything is subjective.

Based on the feedback I've got, I've been underperforming at work, not meeting my objectives, basically loosing and I hate losing. I want to win because those are the moments which makes me feel alive. I was doing everything in my power to win, there were some weaknesses, but I didn't know they were that significant until I failed.

In life, you get the strength or motivation to go through your most difficult times because of some form of motives. It can be fear or love, I did what I did before because I loved doing it, I enjoyed the struggle, I was trying to enjoy the battle at work, but I wasn't fulfilled. I love problem-solving, I love technology, I love analytics, I love winning as a team, I love providing direction in uncharted territory, I love creating plans or structures, but still something was lacking... what was it, I don't know. I believe one of the reasons I missed the mark was my heart was not in it, nowadays I really don't know where my heart is, It's pretty lost.

What do you love Saaransh? What do you long for? My north star has been doing well in any organisation/structure I've been put in. My north star has been building my social enterprise to help underprivileged groups. My north star has been making things. My north star has been being creative. My north star has been to improve my understanding of the world. My north star has been to be improving continuously. My north star has been winning.

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